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The self-critic, a definition says the act of or capacity for criticising one’s own faults or shortcomings.

I’ve had a somewhat long-term relationship with beating myself up, for as long as I could remember…..until I started to look at the consequences and cost on my body, my interactions with others, how it impacted my outlook on my life, and my overall experience of everything.

I understood being hard on myself meant you were striving for greatness, doing well, and being successful, I believed one couldn’t exist without the other.

Wrong!

I wasn’t shown a lot of examples early on in my life of how to be compassionate or patient with my imperfections so I just took it as normal to be hard on myself. Resulting in me working hard to cover up my imperfections by taking myself very seriously!

I would put boundaries around how much I could enjoy my life, so no one could see behind the scenes of how imperfect I was. I was serious and strict about how much fun I could have, how much money I spent, how many late nights I had, what kind of food I ate it was all very controlled, no room for error. Not a lot of room for fun or joy either!

I gave meaning to my imperfections, I wasn’t enough as I was, not good enough, bright enough, fun enough, attractive enough, anything enough! 😂 and to keep it all in line I remained hard on myself, taking the blame for everything that didn’t work out even if it wasn’t my fault.

Unconscious to me at the time all I was doing was embedding the belief of “I am worthless”, “I’m not worthy of respect, love, connection, belonging” etc.

I thought being in control was a way to keep me from feeling vulnerable in the space of not enough. And if I did drop the ball, I wasn’t able to see it as a lesson or a gift!

I smile now when I think about it, but it was really hard work and I imagine so hard to be around and witness too.

I remember a facilitator sharing about her experience with vulnerability and she shared that it was something she found so difficult to even say and something that would make her feel sick. It was more than a decade ago that I heard this and I remember it so clearly as I felt the same. It was a very difficult space for me to enter, vulnerability. It’s such a powerful place to be I understand now but for me back then it was terrifying!

So exhausting, right?!

It wasn’t until I started to practice yoga I started to look at this aspect of my life.

Where I could see that being hard on myself wasn’t serving me and that it was actually depleting me.

I started to see the cost it was having and would continue to have if I continued to complicate my life with this behaviour.

I never had a problem with coming into savasana, (the final pose in a yoga class when you are lying down still to rest after the practice.) Some people find it challenging but I never did. It was the one time I could completely relax and let go. The one time I was able to say good job you did well in your practice and now you can take full advance and receive this rest.

As a beginner, I enjoyed trying out the fancy stuff in a yoga practice, but I never aimed to land a handstand or splits. I really loved the part at the end where I could let go of all the control and all the trying in the day, I could “just be” in Savasana.

Luckily gone are the days when we need to be really hard on ourselves to show our strength, bravery and reliability. Different generations have questioned this way of behaving and data shows we benefit more from a holistic approach to our imperfections. I understand in some environments there is still a long way to go, but one place to be certain is a yoga practice.

Practising Ahimsa – to refrain from physical violence or harm towards other living beings and also cultivate a sense of compassion, love, and respect for all beings.

When we can practice from a place of compassion and care for our bodies, we grow in confidence and self-assurance and start to question if we really are broken and need fixing. The practice allows us to question everything we have ever thought about ourselves and if it is in fact true!

There are a lot more examples of how to be kind to each other and ourselves in the process without feeling like you have to sacrifice your successes.

Being kind to yourself is definitely a practice and one that takes commitment.

Now is a perfect time to focus on what we need in order to feel supported, either in our paid jobs or our lives outside of work.

Kindness Practices

Self-compassion – this does take a lot of conscious behaviour, having a meditation practice should be a non-negational to support this practice.

Treat yourself with the same kindness, concern and understanding that you would offer to a good friend. Become aware of the internal conversation and self-criticism. 

Looking after your physical health – yoga, meditation, connecting to nature, getting enough sleep, good food and interactions that light you up, where you feel at your most comfortable just being yourself.

Getting realistic – if you are a type A and love to achieve, great! Keep doing that as well as noticing where you are coming from when you are succeeding, is there a cost? Can you break down larger goals into smaller achievable ones? Celebrating your wins and also being kind to yourself if you have setbacks.

Practising gratitude – giving thanks and experiencing the thanks positively affects our physical and mental wellness.  Lowers our stress levels, blood pressure, helps us sleep better, it’s great for our immunity and increases our relationship to happiness and joy. Practice it as much as possible and when you say it, say thank you, more please!

Make mistakes – for some of us, we just need someone to give us permission to make mistakes and that it is ok and the world will not fall apart. As long as you are willing to clean up the “mess” and making mistakes is always an opportunity to learn something about ourselves, and notice what we could do the next time it comes up.

Support – Practice getting better at asking for help and noticing what happens when you do.

Reaching out for help allows us to remember what it feels like to be supported and we can learn how to share the load or responsibility. 

It’s okay to not have everything figured out, and it’s important to have a support system to help you through difficult times.

There will be moments when we will fall back into a spiral of lacking in confidence, blaming and being hard on ourselves, but like any muscle, being kind to ourselves takes regular practice to get stronger.

And the question to really ask ourselves is what do we get out of being hard on ourselves? 

What are the benefits?  Does it make us feel good? Does it nourish us in any way?

What would my life be like if I could learn to be kind to myself and respect my imperfections?

And each day using practices like meditation to bring us back to ourselves where we can connect to the truer loving kinder sides of ourselves and go into our day from that place.

Setting each day up for success in the most compassionate, kind and caring way.