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Have you ever wondered…..

Why am I still here doing this, when everyone else has gone?

Why am I the only one that cares?

I don’t want to do this and I’m getting irritated but I said I would.

Why did I say yes when I meant no?

I’m being told off and it has nothing to do with me, I’m in the middle.

Why is no one listening?

I’ll be honest I could have written more, it was pouring out of my head way too easily!

I’m a visual thinker, so when I consider boundaries I see a wall or gate that looks like a perimeter.

And then when I feel what boundaries are I find it gets very expansive, which isn’t always a good sign!

As a young adult, it never occurred to me that I had the choice to say no to something that didn’t work for me.

I learnt at a very young age I needed to be a good girl and accept what was presented to me and that I didn’t really have any say in the matter.  I took being a good girl very seriously.

My parents were not dominating from memory, I think it was more about the generation they grew up in. They didn’t have the choices and freedom of expression that is encouraged today. They didn’t know what healthy boundaries were or how to model them.

I guess you could say it was an energetic thing that was present in my environment and I followed along unknowingly.

As a result of that, my navigation antenna or intuition dulled down so much that as a young adult, I believed I didn’t have a choice.  It was my responsibility to be a good girl and accept it without voicing my opinion.

And if I heard my intuition speak up, I would get confused and feel ashamed of it. I was basically telling myself I shouldn’t have an opinion because everyone else knows better.

I have so many memories of me agreeing to something that I wasn’t happy with and it was not just with relationships or work, it came in all forms.  Food, friendships, school environment, my body, work, money.

It became habitual to agree without thinking about the topic of conversation and saying yes to everything without knowing if I could do it.

I had an incident about 3 years ago, where I was at a play date with another Mum who was talking to me about my partner who she was upset with. As I sat listening to her I could feel my body start to get irritated.

Not because of what she was saying, but more about the fact she didn’t ask permission to lay it on me, rather than having a conversation with him direct. She didn’t think there was anything wrong with this because I didn’t object.

I let her speak instead of stopping her to say politely, she didn’t have permission to talk about this with me as it was not for me to be involved, it was between them. 

Note: Getting involved in someone else’s situation when it has nothing to do with you is disrespecting their own boundaries.

But 

Instead, I let her speak. 

And as a result, I left the play date frustrated. I was angry with myself because I wasn’t honest with her and should have been more clear.

I didn’t set boundaries from the start that were clear enough to her, so she kept talking as if it was ok.

And because I left frustrated where do you think that frustration when too? It went to my partner because I blamed him for putting me in the situation.  WRONG. I put myself there.

It was a big lesson for me and I really needed to experience it live and in the moment in order to see how it diminished my own authority to choose what is ok and what is not ok. 

I didn’t respect myself enough to say stop and it left me feeling depleted and questioning why couldn’t I tell her to stop?.

Boundaries relationship with Self Worth

I feel self-worth, or worthiness is such a deep belief and has so many layers that looking at this relationship can move so many healing mountains and at the same time, we get to witness how it is interwoven into the very fabric of our daily lives, our behaviours, interactions, relationships, it’s infiltrates most areas of our lives.

I remember saying to a facilitator many years ago that I didn’t think I was “attractive”. And as I explained, (it was not about looks), it was to do with everything, my job, living situation, money, friends, age, family background, you name it I could make up some reason to believe I wasn’t attractive enough.

And underneath all of that was sitting self-worth. Or lack thereof!

And sitting just on top of that are boundaries. How could I set healthy boundaries and keep them if I was navigating life from lack, from the place of low self-worth, it’s such an easy calculation, if you don’t think you are worth it, then you will say yes to anything that comes along, even if you don’t agree in your heart.

You will find it very difficult to gain respect if you are not respecting your own needs first.

Working on boundaries is a lesson in self-love. Starting with giving yourself permission to have a look into the behaviours and be honest with how that’s been working out so far and at what cost.

Benefits of setting clear boundaries?

Increased self-awareness 

Setting boundaries requires you to identify and prioritise your needs, feelings, and limits. This can increase your self-awareness and help you better understand yourself.

Improved relationships

Healthy boundaries help us understand what is and is not acceptable in a relationship, which can lead to more respectful and fulfilling interactions.

Reduced stress and anxiety

Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries can reduce feelings of overwhelm, resentment, and anxiety, which can contribute to a more balanced and peaceful life.

Improved physical and emotional health

Healthy boundaries can improve our physical and emotional health by reducing stress, increasing self-care, and promoting healthier relationships.

Increased self-esteem

When we set and enforce healthy boundaries, we communicate to ourselves and others that we value ourselves and our needs. This can increase our self-esteem and self-worth.

Improved decision-making

When we have clear boundaries, we can make decisions more confidently and with greater intention, since we have a better understanding of our own values, priorities, and limits.

Key ingredients to healthy boundaries 

Clear communication

Those with healthy boundaries are able to communicate their needs and expectations in a clear and direct manner.

Respect for oneself and others

This involves respecting one’s own needs and limits, as well as the needs and limits of others.

Flexibility

Knowing that they are not rigid or inflexible. They may shift or change depending on the situation, and we may need to adjust the boundaries as needed.

Consistency

Stay consistent. Not easily compromised, and boundaries are maintained even in the face of challenges or pressure from others.

Self-care/Relationship to self worth

Taking care of oneself, both physically and emotionally. This may involve setting aside time for self-care activities or taking steps to protect our physical and emotional well-being.

The cost when we don’t have clear boundaries?

Overcommitment and burnout

Without clear boundaries, we may agree to take on too much, leading to overwhelm, exhaustion, and burnout, which is so common in today’s world.

Resentment and anger

When we don’t set boundaries, we may feel taken advantage of or disrespected by others. This can lead to feelings of resentment and anger, which can damage relationships and our own well-being.

Codependency

Without healthy boundaries, we may become overly reliant on others for validation or support, leading to a codependent relationship that can be emotionally unhealthy.

Low self-esteem

When we don’t set boundaries, we may feel like we don’t have control over our lives, which can lead to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.

Lack of authenticity

Without clear boundaries, we may compromise our own values or needs to please others or avoid conflict, leading to a lack of authenticity in our relationships and sense of self.

Increased stress and anxiety

When we don’t set boundaries, we may feel overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious due to a lack of structure or control in our lives. This can negatively impact our physical and emotional well-being.

Reasons we might find it hard to set boundaries.

• We want to be liked.

• We seek to please others.

• We are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings or afraid of their reactions.

• We are accustomed to being dependent on others.

• We are afraid of rejection or being alone.

• We feel overly responsible for others.

• We don’t like or are afraid of conflict.

• We aren’t clear about what we want so it’s easier to just agree.

How does yoga support healthy boundaries?

Connecting to the body

If it is a moving practice or still, we are invited to connect to our body and start paying attention to how we are feeling. When we learn this and take it into our lives off the mat, we start to notice when we are in agreement with something and when we are not. By tuning in to the physical sensations during the practice, we can become more aware of your own boundaries and limitations.

Practice self-compassion

One of the most important aspects of setting healthy boundaries is being kind and compassionate with yourself. Every time you come to the mat, you have a chance to practice self-compassion by accepting where you are in your practice and avoiding self-judgment.

Deep Breaths

The breath is a powerful tool for regulating the nervous system and calming the mind. We can use the breath as a way to notice what is moving through us. If the practice becomes challenging and the breath changes, it’s an opportunity for us to pay attention to what is happening. This can support us to be more mindful and aware in our daily life too, leading to stronger boundaries.

Set an intention

I’m a big fan of setting intentions at the beginning of a class. It can support us to stay focused and aligned with where our body is at that moment, truly honouring your physical boundaries.

Practice saying no

If a pose or practice doesn’t feel right for you, it’s okay to say no and modify or skip it. By practising saying no on the mat, we can build the confidence to say no in other areas of our life.

Knowing what you want

Part of creating healthy boundaries stems all the way back to knowing what you want, what you don’t want, what is working for you and when it isn’t any longer and being able to navigate these ebbs and flows from a place of deep respect for your time, energy and worth.

Knowing that you are worthy of love and respect and do not have to give a reason or excuse for your decisions and choices.