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If you are not familiar with a feeling of dread if you don’t plan, fix, mediate, arrange or orchestrate most things then you might not be as familiar with the word CONTROL as I am.

I think whether you like to control things or not, the feeling of being out of control or being controlled has certainly been a significant influence in our lives over the last 3 years.

Wanting to be in control all the time can feel like a rush of power or a rush of uncertainty that needs to be controlled due to fear of the unknown, fear of something bad happening, fear of being told off, and fear of becoming a target.  I have definitely felt all of those things at some point in my life.

How does “controlling everything” affect our yoga practice?

It’s pretty obvious to see how controlling our yoga practice (due to our behaviours off the mat)  can deplete our energy and cause more stress and tension, but like anything, there are levels of control and for most of us we are unable to see how controlling we are until we are confronted with something like a yoga practice or a meditation that is unpredictable.

We can’t predict what will happen or how we will feel and this can be where discomfort can occur and where our minds decide controlling everything is better if we want certainty. 

If we are overwhelmed by the fear of not knowing we will put boundaries around our practice and lives and it can end up mechanical and lacking in spontaneity and authenticity. 

For most, our intention when we decide to start a regular yoga practice would be for stress relief, lower anxiety, heal injuries, heal trauma, decompress from our worries, anything that supports our mental wellness and connection to the body.

But that’s not always the place we come from when we practice. Old beliefs creep in and can take over the practice if we are not present, we begin to behave the same way we would in our lives off the mat.  

I was told when I started practising that “the mat is a microcosm of life.” 

Meaning -How we approach our yoga practice, navigate through difficult poses, deal with discomfort or limitations, and cultivate mindfulness and presence can mirror how we engage with life off the mat. 

If you put controlling into the mix of this, it is easy to see if we continue to control our environment on the mat, our yoga practice becomes another place in our lives where we are unable to explore vulnerability, joy, peace and freedom from our thoughts.

But when we are open to the possibility of changing the belief that we have to control everything to be safe, we can use our time on our yoga mat to practice being vulnerable in the unknown.

• Practising trust in the practice, learning to feel we are always supported.
• Practising letting go in poses, experience vulnerability. 
• Using deep breaths when we feel strong sensations in the body.
• Using self-awareness to notice when we are resisting, what it feels like in the body.
• Practising self-care and self-love, interrupting the self-doubt and internal dialogue with kindness.
• Allowing the practice to be messing, untangling from the need for it to be perfect, and letting the body experience the difference.

When we are too controlling we can develop all sorts of habitual habits on the mat that do not support our practices.

• Increased tension and strain
• Decreases our ability to be conscious
• Internal Self Judgement/Comparison
• Limited exploration and growth
• Lack of joy for the practice
• Increase of stress and pressure.

And all of this can be achieved without us knowing we are doing it. It becomes so habitual and an unconscious habit. Wanting to be in control all the time, just becomes who you are.

If we continue to ignore the signs of our controlling habits we tend to miss out on the magic. The times in a yoga practice where you are suddenly in a pose you once decided was too advanced and you are all of a sudden doing it. We miss out on the moments in a self-practice where we are in flow and we ignore the intuitive signs of where to go next in the practice because we are too busy following a set sequence that we won’t divert from.

We miss out and we don’t always notice we are missing out until we do more of the conscious work, the work that supports us when we have closed off to the unknown.

How does “controlling everything” resonate for us? 

Manipulation:

No one wants to be called manipulating, but it is all part of the system of control, using our influence over others so they align with our agenda. Manipulating the body to be aligned with how we want it to look.

Excessive planning or micromanagement

I’m sure we all know an individual like this. They are good at planning and working on the detail, and they are not as comfortable with allowing others to support them for fear something will go wrong, (which they will blame themselves for) leaving no room for creativity or spontaneity.

Passive-aggressive behaviour: 

Instead of openly communicating our desires, fears or concerns, we may use subtle sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or other indirect means to assert control or punish others for not meeting our expectations.

Excessive criticism or perfectionism: 

Setting impossibly high standards and constantly criticising others or themselves. Feeling like you need to have control over the outcome or behaviours of those around you.

“Helping” or rescuing others: 

Or this could be seen as a martyr, using it as a means to maintain control or power dynamics within relationships. This can create dependency and prevent others from developing their own autonomy and problem-solving skills.

What are the outcomes when we continue to “control everything”?

We feel safe in the beginning and we decide control is an effective way to keep us from getting hurt, or feeling let down, it means we can decide who we let in and who we keep distant. We Plato in our practice, and we interpret that as needing to either do something else because we decide we are bored or we need to do more in the practice, which results in a never-ending cycle of dissatisfaction.

We just don’t hit the mark when we practice or do anything off the mat, because our expectations are so high, making it impossible to create inner satisfaction. 

The antidote to “Controlling everything”?

Acceptance and Surrender – A Lesson in Self-worth

Mindfulness and acceptance: 

Even if yoga isn’t your thing, the key to experiencing a fulfilled satisfied life is in the practice of acceptance.

Practice self-awareness, and be in the present moment to accept things as they are, without judgement or the need to fix.

Cultivate mindfulness to become aware of the present moment and accept things as they are, without judgment or the need to control. Practice observing thoughts, emotions, and experiences with curiosity and compassion.

Trust and surrender:

How can we trust if we don’t know how or if we never tried?

One step at a time. It is easy to say and much more difficult to do if you have had many incidences that have proved otherwise.

What I will say is that this is also a practice and the more you do it the more you feel it and the more you start to embody it. Small consistent steps.

Focus on influence, not control: 

Shift your focus onto what you want to bring into existence.

Direct your energy towards taking action, making choices, and aligning your intentions with your values, without attachment to specific outcomes.

Flexibility and adaptability: 

Develop flexibility and adaptability this is not just for the body, it in your thoughts and your behaviour too. Embrace change as an opportunity for growth, learning, and new possibilities. Practice being open to alternative perspectives and approaches.

Self-compassion and self-care: 

Cultivate self-compassion by being kind and understanding towards yourself. Start to notice how you speak to yourself and the kinds of words you are using.

Boundaries – Prioritise self-care and nurture your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Recognise your limits and practice setting healthy boundaries.

Delegate and seek support: 

Learn to ask for support. The more you ask for support, the easier it will be. Get comfortable with asking and also accept when support is not available, it does not mean anything about you and that you should stop asking, it is just the system/mind trying to prove to you, you should always do things on your own. Learn to notice when this is happening and allow yourself to interrupt the pattern.

Embrace imperfection: 

Difficult at first for those who are particularly attached to perfectionism. But another practice that will yield incredible results.  Allowing for imperfections to be felt and giving yourself space for healing.

Practice patience: 

Cultivate patience with yourself, others, and the process of life. Understand that not everything can be controlled or achieved instantly. Allow things to unfold in their own time and trust in the journey.

We all deserve a nurturing and secure environment where love flourishes, enabling us to grow and prosper. Embrace the power of your practice to reconnect with your body and rediscover your true essence within.”